How can I get in a good relationship when I am a snippy bitch with everyone.  I can be sort of negative-ish or bitchy or mean...why am I like this?  Is it just the people I have to deal with day in and day out or what? 

http://picasaweb.google.com/Serilda06/MontouxPark20090718_006?authkey=Gv1sRgCIqTq8PK8fGqvAE#

More Pics

I like working things out in dreams, or maybe just becoming aware of what needs work...Like talking things out with someone.  I have never done that really, reliably, ever.  All my life I have never had someone to talk to.  I worry now that I might find a guy and he wouldn't want to talk things out.  Bills, budgets, wants, needs, fantasies of all kinds, sex.  I would assume adults talk out different topics than kids do together.  I guess as a child I knew anyone young or old would tell on me, go back to my mother and tell whatever it was that I tried to talk out.  Some things are just stupid things, stuff you would talk about relaxing under the sun on a day like today, or while fishing, or riding, or some other activity of relaxing.  Stupid stuff.  I did a bit of that when I was real little with my dad, but of course that could only go so far. 

I think the outdoor time yesterday helped a lot, and I spent some of it alone.  I see that I will need to spend more of it alone or with Lily than having the old hiking Jeff along.  He has gotten fucked in the head by himself and his own issues and I can't be around that much.  He is slow getting moving and that is his issue.  Today is another glorious weather day and it is a shame we don't have a horse or our own property to wander around on.  We are going back to Montoux Park.  I need to look it up online to see whose property it backs up to, lol.  Someone over there also has buffalo, but they weren't out much yesterday.  A bit of the woods is overgrown as well. 

Talking things out.  I guess this puts therapy in a new light.  Go back to the beginning of our time, beginning of parts, as in the youngest and see if we can talk things out in T.  I can't see T as best friend material, but maybe put her in some neutral place. 

http://picasaweb.google.com/Serilda06/MontouxPark20090717_005?authkey=Gv1sRgCKT3s_C8v76Kfw#

http://picasaweb.google.com/Serilda06/ZoobyLorri20090715_004#

Pics from the Evansville Mesker Zoo. 

Taken from Author Madelyn Alt's webpage.  I am reading her first book of four, with a fifth coming out, this is "chick lit" for fun in a way, with the paranormal and witches thrown in.  I am on the fence as to whether or not this is good stuff, but it is light reading for me and interesting enough.


An empath is a person who is sensitive in a remarkable way to the feelings/emotions of others, to the extent that they have the ability to feel the emotions as though they were their own. This goes way beyond feeling sympathy for a friend's situation. An empath who tunes in (either purposely or involuntarily) will feel the emotion that the person is feeling, to the extent that it might be their own, and will reflect it in either an emotional or physical state. It is often the case that the empath will receive intuition via an inner voice into what is going on behind the scenes within that person, so to speak, through their emotional state. This "telepathy" enhances the strength of their abilities. Empaths have the ability to see behind the masques people wear in their day-to-day dealings with others to see, either whole or in part, the truth within (with limitations!). But rather than pass judgment, an empath relates to that person's personal experience, because they intuitively understand the motivations that drive him/her.

Empaths are caring, compassionate, and dislike confrontation. They are genuine, open, well-liked, often sought out by others. They are warm, glowing lights that others naturally attune themselves to. They tend to know exactly what to say to put a person at ease, to feel completely and utterly accepted.

Empaths are touchers -- whether intentional or unintentional, it heightens their connection.

Empaths are very sensual/sexual.

Empaths have an inherent connection to both children and nature.

Empaths can be somewhat obsessive and/or compulsive. This goes hand in hand with an empath's deep-seated need to understand.

Music speaks to an empath on an almost primal, gut level. It can bring them to tears in an instant, and raise them to heart-swelling heights in the next.

Many of the empathic connections that occur are involuntary. An empath may not intend to tune in, but the connection spontaneously occurs. At times, this can be directly related to the strength of the emotional undercurrents in the subject's personal experience.

The strength of the empath's ability can be traced to the fullness of their experience.

Many intuitive empaths are unaware of their ability. They view what they do as something everyone does, without realizing that not everyone processes relationships in this way. They use their ability without consciousness or conscience -- it simply is a part of the way they deal with the world. Awareness often comes in young to mid-adulthood.

It is not uncommon for an empath to have experienced tumultuous and varied life experiences. Many of us view this to be a training ground for our abilities. The more varied our experiences, the more we are able to understand and relate to others, something we feel compelled to do by nature. Over time, we grow quite proficient at the utilization of other senses to add to our understanding: in addition to emotions and telepathic intuitive connections, eye movements, body language, tone and inflection, expression, pauses in communication and where they occur... all of these things add valuable insight into what we experience. 

The way I think of it: we are flesh and blood beings, but moreover we are spiritual beings alight with energy. Everything about us is comprised of energy and matter, including our emotions. Energy can be either positive, negative, or neutral. Positive energy includes things like compassion, courage, forgiveness, hope, passion, love, acceptance, and faith. Negative energy includes things like fear, anger, hatred, sadness, regret, hopelessness/despair, envy, shame. This energy surrounds us and is projected by us all the time. The stronger the emotion, the stronger the energy.

Empaths can be both mentally and physically affected by this energy, depending on our level of openness and our ability (usually learned as a natural defense mechanism as children) to shield ourselves against it. Someone who has not learned to shield is often drained by the multitude of energies that surround us. They tend to dislike and avoid crowded places that others find energizing, simply because they are like sponges, unsuspectingly absorbing and becoming overstimulated by the energies surrounding them. The more people per square foot, the more our energy fields intersect. Add emotions to the crowds, and you get a powerful emotional cocktail that can leave you drained, nervous, depressed, or feeling sick. Conversely, positive and upbeat crowds can be compared to a rollercoaster ride: you are flying one minute, desperate for escape in the next.

Solitude is necessary for an empath to regroup their own personal energies. Time spent in the outdoors is ideal.

One thing that is rarely discussed with regards to empaths, however, is that they are also quite proficient at projecting positive energy: compassion, understanding, love, acceptance. They can also tap into emotional memory (their own or collective/universal) seemingly at will.

Being sensitive to emotion and energy might be only one facet of an empath's overall intuitive ability.  Labels are things we humans like to give things, to compartmentalize them and make them neat and tidy, to give order to our world.  Unfortunately, labels are all-too-often limiting.  An empath might experience any or all of the following and more:  clairvoyant visions, telepathy, lucid dreams, past life dreams, an instinctive knowledge they should not be a party to, spirit contact, mediumship/channeling . . . the list goes on. 

An intuitive can often identify another intuitive. If I can see the person, their face, their eyes, I usually can tell when a person is a sensitive/intuitive. It's hard to describe, other than to say there is a spark between souls. A knowing/familiarity. I say usually, because it all depends on how open that person is. I'm not the end all and the be all of empaths as far as knowing how to proficiently wield it. My connections are random, unless I am allowed to focus (or unless I'm close to the person--I'm usually spot on in that case). When my world is at peace and I am not undergoing much stress, my connection is much stronger, and much easier to access. Otherwise it is rather like a stone skipping across the water -- with the connection being the stone. Most of the time you're traveling along, unaware, all along knowing that sometimes you're going to touch down here and there, but *where* it touches down and *when* is anyone's guess.

I know there are people out there who don't believe a word of this, who will chalk it all up to an active and vivid imagination. I can't do that anymore. I grew up knowing deep down that I was different, but I never realized just HOW different until I discovered there was a name for what I had experienced and struggled with my whole life. It's pretty amazing to realize there are others like you, that you're not alone suffering from a nameless phenomenon that everyone else would like to think is all in your head. To know that you don't have to wedge yourself into a mold that doesn't quite fit. I'm a fairly level-headed girl. Those people in my life who are unaware of what I've experienced tend to think of me as practical and responsible. This revelation may come as quite the shock. To them, I'd just like to say, I'm still that same person. I'm just happen to be a little bit more.

Because of the way our world is, we do tend to build walls against things that have no real proof of existence. How do you prove something like this? So if you're one of the doubters, that's okay. I'm not here to convince you, only to ask that you keep an open mind. But for those of you who might recognize bits of yourselves in the descriptions, I'd just like to say, I know what you're going through. You may even have succeeded in convincing yourself that there's nothing different about yourself. People being the way that we are, sometimes it makes us feel better to pretend that it's all imagination, coincidence, a person's brain misfiring, etc. When the collective modern viewpoint denies the existence of something we know deep in our hearts to be true, is it any wonder that we have doubted ourselves? And to a certain extent it's possible to talk yourself out of something like this by pretending it doesn't exist. Mind over matter. For some, that's the way it has to be for now, until they're ready. Some never will be. But just know that if you have an aptitude for it, you can reclaim it. You can give yourself permission to open up. After all, you built the wall... you can take it back down.


The following are traits many empaths share:

~Feels emotions often and deeply~
~Unable to easily release accumulated sadness or distress~
~Keenly aware of emotions of others, even those kept hidden away. In fact, it is possible for an empath to physically sense the emotions as though they were their own if not shielded~
~Able to see beyond the masks people wear and the mind games they play~
~Feels deeply the pain and suffering of others, as though it is a part of their own experience~
~Compassionate and nurturing~
~Strongly aware of and affected by beauty in art, music, and nature~
~Often works in a helping or healing profession, or are poets, writers, musicians, actors, or artists~
~Usually has a great sense of humor~
~Feels overwhelmed or depleted by too much stimuli (large crowds, loud noises, hectic environments, negativity)~
~Also tends to reflect back the general mood of the crowd, or of those people they feel emotionally close to~
~Needs to retreat within themselves to become focused~
~Deeply saddened by the betrayal of trust, even though they may understand the motives behind the betrayal~
~Sometimes prone to depression~
~Feels compelled to understand the motivations of others~
~Highly expressive. Speaks openly, and, at times quite frankly. Talking things out is an important factor in releasing emotional energy in the developing empath~
~Avoids conflicts and confrontations, yet speaks the truth without judgment~
~The chameleon of the intuitive world.  Due to our natures, we often take on and assimilate the moods and characteristics of others.  For that reason we are sometimes judged as being soft, or a pushover, by those with more forceful personalities~
~Finely attuned to the natural world~
~Children are drawn to them~
~Often has a strong affinity with animals.~
~Often has precognitive dreams or lucid dreams~
~Sometimes sensitive to bright lights and energy, and may notices subtle changes in the atmosphere~
~Prone to migraines and tense muscles~
~Faithful friends, great listeners~
~Will share another's experience without judgment, bias or harsh, thoughtless words~
~People sometimes feel compelled to share very private things with them/get things off their chest~
~Others may be drawn to their warmth and light, like moths to a flame~
~As expressive with body language and gestures as with words, thoughts, and feelings~
~Easily moved to tears by things designed to evoke strong emotion--violent acts on TV can make them feel physically ill~
~Inclined to "pick up" stray energies/emotions and reflect them back as their own~
~Is often able to project emotion and energy, as well as receive~

***If you would like to know more about empaths, psychics, and other highly sensitive people, please consider joining my Yahoogroup using the correct link at the top of the page. :) ***

Yesterday sucked in small ways.  We have been unable to focus on chores and what we need to be doing.  Today we are slowly getting read for the week ahead.  T will ask about Justine and we decided to throw what we needed into the muddle of parts and see what came out.  Parts dealt with Justine.  On the way to get her is when the idea of Deaconness Crosspoint hit us, and now we need to regroup and get her back on track, and show her how she can stay on track, which does include the meds. 

I got some calls to make Monday and go to the chiropractors and drop off some library books.  I don't have the money to mess again with the air conditioner, but it isn't working enough.  Ah, well, I also need to register the car ASAP.  Otherwise we got to watch the dollars tightly till late September. 

Was listening to John Anderson a lot yesterday.  I want to sketch and write, but can't focus enough, kind of starting one thing and not finishing then going to something else.  This week is housecleaning week.  Serious reorganizing.  I really need to do my office. 

I should redo my list of stuff to do and work off that, lol.  Untill the littles get to speak in T to T I think we are going to be a bit off.  Actually we need to deal with the teens shame and embarrassment and lack of trust as well.  Some of the teens do not really trust T much, some do.  Maybe we can get them up front before session and they can help the littles with T.  This seems to be the best idea we all got right now. 

Not sleeping the greatest but having random weird dreams like we used to.  We are so friggin glad we are no longer smoking.  We are actually feeling happy from it.  Not so bitchy anymore, but still a little abrasive and forward to authority, probably always will be.  We like being the authority and do not like answering to any. 

Feel like something is ready to explode out of us and if we felt like we could, we would channel the littles on paper, but the issue of them writing and drawing is a prob.  Some can, some can't and what do you do with the ones who can't????  What will T do with them???  She sees kids as little as three I guess from something she said.  I think if we got to where the littles could talk to her then some of them can interpret for some of the others who can't draw or write or talk with the right words.  We get the feelings sometimes from the pics we are given that the littles involved with no words are "appalled" or something similar, to what was happening with them. 

It is still doggedly HOT here, yesterday as 100 degrees in the shade, ugh.  I should go out and fill up Lily's pool, but it needs seriously cleaned first, lol.  I can do that I guess.  Would need to crate up Camille or tie her outside or something.  She might be okay if I go outside for a bit.  Might get to the pool here in a bit.  I gotta put a dog crate in the shed anyway. 

I need to get the toddler bed of Lily's out of the back room and give it away or something, it is almost like new and I just got Lily a bunk bed that is supposed to have a footon underneath, but we didn't attatch the parts, cause Lily wants to have a play area under there. 

Maybe after bit I should run some more laundry and get the rest of it done. 

Stressing on finals stuff.

Have a huge bag of new books to read as soon as classes are over next Saturday. 

Got lots to catch up on here.

Need to deal with a couple paperwork things and watch the finances.  Fall classes start the very end of August.

Dealing with stuff.  Last summer a load of shit hit us from inside and we aren't really sure T helped us with that so much.  We are wondering what is going to go down this summer.

Exhausted. 

Will try to get on here next week. 

I have such deep grieving horrific pain that it is keeping me from breathing.  I want to rail, pound, scream and tears just want to flow. 

Why?  What is this?  I hate it, I want it gone. 

It is my past, my ugly fucking past, the thing that makes me ugly, unworthy, a bad shitty parent. 

I can't do this. 

I have neck pain, headache, etc...either from sleeping fucked up or from the stress of the bullshit.

I try to change things to keep this shit at bay.  I run to keep this shit at bay, then I started smoking and could stay in one area. 

I cannot breathe.  I guess I will be taking an elavil today if it doesn't get better. 

I have lived through many days like this, but ended up running, moving, changing jobs, etc...then I smoked down here in the ville.  I didn't run quite so much or so far. 

How do I figure out what this is?  How can I heal it, make it stop without picking up a ciggie? 

I want the life I should have had, I want that now, today, and I want it for my two girls. 

Maybe I should make a life out of state, because this one is full of pain and I don't really have friends here.  I can raise Lily anywhere, and Justine will probly end up in Texas, so I can go where ever, and not Texas as it is way too hot. 

I just am not focused, not feeling connected to my life to the world to anything...I am losing my mind.

Yesterday was hell.  I am unhappy.  My life is not happy.  My children deserve something else, the thing that I never got, the thing I didn't give them.  Things, a way of life, happiness, more money, the things more money buys.

I see my kids are not me, are not like me, not like the me that was a child.  They are not anywhere near that responsible.  There is that thing we told T aboout being all grown up at nine.  I was nine and all grown up.  I still don't knw where that came from, that belief, that way of being. 

My house is too full of pets then for the level of responsibility my children have.  Neither is very responsible for the daily care of animals and I have no clue why not, since I am, but I am always busy, so I thought the kids could take up the slack...not.  Justine feels put upon and Lily is just too little to do much.  We need to not have all the pets then.  I need to find one of the dogs a home, and that would leave me with Camille and Justine with her dog Bailey.  No more rodent pets.  We have the rats and when they pass, that is that, no more small pets.  We also have two cats because we get mice, but we don't have to have the cats, we could have just put out poison for the mice, or traps or something...we can get down to two cats, two dogs and let it be.

My head is messed up.  Keep having flashbacks to Lapel House.  Dreaming about it too.  Why do we keep trying to go back and reclaim chunks of our past.  If we won the lottery like we dreamed would we really buy Lapel House?  Why?  I mean like number one it is haunted as hell and not by something good, but I have my doubts about all that and think some of it was the parents fucking us around.  Why buy the place?  What is my head saying really?  The barn is shot and needs taken down, the fencing sucks and cats get run over on the road all the time.  There isn't enough fencing.  My head keeps going inside the house too, what is it we are trying to get out????

We still aren't ready for the horse thing yet, maybe not for several months...

We are having terrific panic/anxiety about our future, where we aren't, Lapel house, etc...I assume this is what it is, but we can only say what it feels like and give it that label cause we don't really know.  This has a huge affect on how we don't do day to day life.  It causes us to create great change quickly, such as packing and moving away in one day without thought to consequence. 

I need to find some thing else to do when this comes on, but we don't know what.  This is a huge assed thing the smoking covered up and we are sometimes close to sneaking a cig just to allieviate the pressure.  We quit smoking for a new life and it isn't happening, so where is the new life, our steps aren't creating the changes we had hoped for or maybe not even going to happen, or not fast enough...I am still piddling with the new life steps and trying to work on step two.  There were some little things we did and don't count them as steps. 

Nikki called, she is laid off.  She knew it was coming and she is hoping her hubby doesn't get laid off.  I told her I was so far removed poverty wise from corporate america that I wasn't really feeling it, as in her pain, as in the world is a mess, as in I need a certain amount of money to pay my bills and insurance with that and to take care of my kids, that is it.  I got rid of credit cards and all that shit, took me five years to get free of all the crap.  I don't owe alot out anymore.   Nikki had no words for that.  She is trying to tell herself she is not a bad person because she has no job and now will be staying home with her kids.

If a man told me I could stay home with my kids and we had decent money I would do it in a heartbeat.  I did it when jeff worked, but I was a part time crossing guard as well, which worked out fine.  I had a clean house and happy kids.  Funny, we moved to another apartment and I started working and Justine became horrible again.  Interesting.  The times I stayed home, she was good, when I work she is a monster. 

I had issues like some of these but mainly at Lapel House.  What can I do to change them with minimal trauma?  Pay someone to come clean my house?   No one helped me with the yard yesterday, so I threw out my shoulder.  I gave notice I am no longer doing the yard.  I don't have any solutions to any of this, never did, so it got buried under running and ciggies. 

Painting III..............B+

Golden Age of Spain................A

Biology...................B+

20th C Poetry....................B+

Alright, but.......I was hoping for an A in Poetry, but I did write some good papers and I did take in a lot of new information.  Painting grade was deserved.

Trying to look foreward in many ways.  I hope to get on here and post later tonight.  I also want to clean up this computer and my table beside my chair, lol.  I will then be tidying up various things in each room. 

Bird came down the chimney and had to get it out, and it finally flew out the door.  Cats were going nuts though.

I start two first summer session classes next Tuesday.  I am hoping voc rehab gets some money to me.

I have some new makeup, lots of books, art supplies, and leather journal/art books...other stuff we have spent money on.  I also have bought Justine a lot of books, so it is Lily's turn soon.  I need to have no glitches this summer.

I will soon be going/calling a stable close by to get my horse gig back...not sure what is going on there. 

I am going to a not smoking graduation class the first Tuesday every month, and we get free lunch.  I find it supportive and fun, and we are going to talk about lots of things.  

I am trying to work on making my health and body better.

More later today hopefully, since I have therapy this morning and want to chill today. 

I have done my smoking classes, still smoke free, staying that way.  I quit to have a life.

I am freaking fat, need to lose weight, well, at least inches in my stomach.  That will be the biggie next.

Not sure how to meet who I want to, except by word of mouth. 

I am exhausted.

Biology prof said I didn't need to take the final cause I have a B+ and will not be able to get over that to an A, so am considering not, and just doing my Art History test...Got to redo my paper for Monday as well.  Taking Camille to classes Monday and Tuesday, lol.

Took Camille to the neighbors today to play with their Chihuahua, lol, we might have worn her out finally.  I am exhausted and can't wait to get in bed, since it is cool outside and the windows are open. 

I might read in bed for a bit. 

I can't wait to have a real life in a couple of years. 

I have things to say about last Sunday and my emotional and physical issues this week, but need to get some rest. 

I am much grateful to responses here the last couple of days!  Grateful is a small word for the feelings.

I am still teary and lost my archive to the conversation/conference with Nikki and Michael Sunday.  I wanted to review what I said as in blaming my family of origin and what I felt about being ripped off in life and missed out on some things. I wanted to rethink on some of my rant, not that I have changed what I felt and meant.  I just wanted to reconnect with that moment and refeel what had devastated me so badly.  I think I will just wait till this weekend and see if michael can send me his archive if he has it.  I have finals and a paper to rewrite for Monday.  I am going out with a gay guy friend the weekend after finals and we are going to have a good time. 

I went off on Justine's school counselor, but she is an interfering bitch and I see where she is coming from, but she needs to understand where I am as well.  If more officials understood where the people were coming from maybe poverty and all that shit wouldn't exhist anymore...whatever...I did tell her I quit smoking and am a bitch and saying shit like it is but that also I am proud of laying the realness of my self and truth out there and it is in a raw form for people to choke on if they like or help me if they are inclined to.  Most people run in fear.

I am really experiencing the beyond deep exhaustion again and I need to lay down.  I might read a little, but I am going to lie abed and chill.  I also want to finish "Practical Magic," which happened to be on when I got home.  I love this movie. 

I got more to write, but am exhausted. 

I got through the day and will start working on my paper in a few mins.  I am not completely feeling good because of blood sugar/blood pressure issues.  Feels like blood sugar, but who knows, and we think not smoking is jacking something out of whack.  I will check it out with the doc.  Maybe smokers who have quit need a special diet, lmao. 

I think my paintings are mostly done.  It isalmost summer, and I am worried about lots of paper work.  I have two tests next week on Wednesday, and have to show up Mon/Tues for chat and crits.  This has been an incredibly difficult semester, but I think too the biology prof has had quite the influence.  She and I talked about not smoking, she and I talked about men, love, creating your future from where I stand at my age and life experience.

I am raw from being treated like shit from my sister and therapist.  I really don't want to go anymore to see T. 

Yes, I have read comments here and will ponder the wisdom daily for several days because I am exhausted.  I need a vacay and to be quiet and thoughtful for a while.  I may go stay with a girlfriend at her moms for a bit this summer if I can find something to do with my kids...

Well, hell, I need to get this paper off my plate. 

I dread going to T tomorrow as well.   Parts are not happy with her and spiteful too, so even if she were to mention anything about a voicemail these parts are going to shut her down.  Thought about not going at all.  I am wondering if we have outgrown her.  I have emailed some T's locally and two posted back that they don't take our insurance, and "Linda" at Lampion would be someone they would recommend, lol, and she is our old T...incestuous group of T's down here. 

I need sex and sleep in that order, after my paper is done.