Tips for Manifesting Love Relationships Using the Law of Attraction

I am trying to watch Ghost Whisperer, but not sort of...new tv in our bedroom, a treat.  Tweaking the cable/phone bullshit this week.  Okay, shit. Spent an assload of cash this week.  Fuck.  22=inch flatscreen to go in me office/library/bedroom/studio...and got a new full size box spring and mattress.  Organizing my house and working on some of it.  This feels good and nurturing even tho it is costing a ton.  Most of the work on the house is being done cheap, but we are sorting out stuff for resale and ridding ourself of extra rubbish. 

Not sleeping well despite the bigger bed...stressed with Justine back here and the schedule.  Court coming up with Justine and her not going to school for so long.   She is truant and living back at my house.  I am trying to chill.  I put all the extra cash in an account with Lily's money.  No more overspending...

Started my period, ugh.  Need to lose weight and we aren't doing it. 

Cindy sucks. 

No other therapists around here to see me.

Painting prof is not liking my work.

I do not like my online enviro class and emailed the prof today, but she probly won't get or see the email till Monday. 

I gotta get Camille to the vet for catch up and spaying.  Don't want no puppies right now. 

Therapy isn't going anywhere and hasn't for a long long time. 

I am on homework overload and gotta get caught up this week end.

It has gotten chilly here.  Today is Lily's last cheer game, then tonight is her half time show for the Bearcats and we have a week off before the junior league football playoffs.  I got a heavy coat out to wear tonight.

I am having some difficulty with a haunting/clearing of a spirit.  It is close to home so to speak with my past history.  I will have to journal it out. I had tried to talk to T about it, but she, well, maybe she thinks that we are using this as a way to not deal with our own stuff, but it IS our stuff.  It is us, a part of us, something we do.  The whole psychic and paranormal thing. 

I am having a lot of lost time.  I am not sure if it is due to going out with someone last week or the ghost thing or both maybe.  T isn't being much help.  We called, but we knew she wouldn't ring us back.  We are kind of floating in the therapy department because there really isn't anyone qualified in DID in this area besides her and another woman. 

We gotta get ready to go. 

At around midnight last night there was a call, I was in bed, it rang forever.  It was the # where Justine is/was staying...

Justine just called and said the woman is dropping her back here later today.  WTF?  Justine is not ready for stricter rules???  WTF???  Justine said she was told not to go outside and she took a shower and sat out front.   Busted.  To me this seems like stupid shit you have to deal with in town, but whatever. 

I already took her off benefits and now have no clue, she won't have insurance, foodstamps, or tanf cash for a while.  I guess this can be rectified providing the other woman decides to give us Justine's soc/sec back and her birth certificate.

I knew this was all too good to be true. 

Justine will need reregistered in school as well.  Shit, will look like a fool because we just went downtown to get these folks to have Justine in North.  Now she will have to go to Henry Reis again. 

Well...need to stick with what I was gonna do tomorrow which is call USI get my book vouchers and then try and deal with Justine.  She can hang her stuff on the rod in the hall, and most of her shit outside will have to be dumped in the yard barn. WOW. 

I made so many plans...what now?  I feel the anxiety and chest compression.  The migraine...what do I do now?

This go from hellish to more hellish.  I hate this.  I hate wasting my life on other peoples bullshit.  I resent this. 

Justine isn't in school yet...school met with all of us to work it out to get her where the other people want her and that is slow going...I have called dr bailey the school principal as much as I am going to, he needs to call me back and get it going.  The other people are, well, I am not sure.  I think the woman is brainwashing justine, but maybe it is just the neighborhood of freaks doing that.   Justine is spouting words that aren't hers, which means she has not been telling these people the truth about what she does here.  This has gotten so complicated. 

Justine has been acting cold to us for a long time.  She didn't want to do any family things. Treats my house like a dump, rude, disrespecful. 
She came to pick up her stuff yesterday and started tearing up my house, I said to quit and she said it didn't matter, she was moving. They weren't answering my phone calls today to let them know about the thyroid testing she needs done...I also cancelled her off my benefits which means we don't get tanf/foodstamps for her, but who cares...she also won't be on state insurance.  

I cannot believe all this life of mine has been a waste.  I sacraficed for her, stayed home broke because of her and then got shit on by her and stolen from and abused.  WTF>  I am hurt she is so cold.  I am no longer keeping my home phone plugged in much, unless I feel like answering the phone, maybe I will change the number.  I am screening my cell as it is.  Why?  Why is it like this?  

What did I do wrong to be treated like this?  Technically I give it two months and the shit will hit the fan with Justine...I guess I am going to change my home number.  Welfare still could slap me with a CHINS and that will suck.  

I have almost purged justine from the house, or am working on it.  She chose to leave a lot behind because "I checked the boxes" and she hated that from me, so she said fuck it.  Then she got pissy because I wouldn't let her dump the stuff on the floor so she could use the tubs to pack with because she acted like using trash bags was sucky.  I said if she knew she was coming she should have made arrangements to have her own boxes.  I taped all this on my digital recorder, illegal, but saves my ass.  Justine started acting like I was threatening her 

more later

I don't open myself up to my T like I open up here.  I don't say things to her.  Something inside doesn't want to talk to her right now, guess it is partly a case of feeling "bad."

Right now I am sad, weepy, and have no answers other than no one listens.  Indiana is a fuck lick of a place to live when there are problems.  They think the child should be with the parents no matter what.  They don't yank kids when they should and they won't let others place their kids with people without a friggin hassle. 

I have been doing paperwork for Justine all day and there is more to do tomorrow.  Got to meet with the people she is gonna stay with and try and get her in school.  The state doesn't want to pay for anything.  I stated in my temporary care for my child paper that I will not allow southwestern to ever treat Justine for anything.  The folks will be putting Justine on their ex-military blue cross blue shield insurance. 

I am up and down and scattered with my emotions.  I do have one more week before my classes start.  I am tired of "officials" in town not listening to me and tired of them treating me like I have committed a crime and done something wrong.

More as it comes up.  I need to rest and watch my blood pressure.

http://picasaweb.google.com/Serilda06/Summer2009Variet20090815_009#

Took photos today at the Master Gardeners plot at the back of the State Hospital grounds.

I got fucked by the courts.  I recorded everything...

Basically they were set up to only deal with the immediate charge and nothing else.

I went to Southwestern and tried to get them to help.  NOT.

The "therapist" there ended up being a total waste and later when I called her to get some help when Justine was going off, she called the police to my house and my door got busted down.  It was fucking retarded. 

I will get evicted over this. 

I am sooo upset with this.  The courts want to jack us with a "CHINS" children in need of services...I won't go there.  I will terminate my parental rights if they try that shit again.  I don't have time in my schedule for their shit. 

I think we shall forget the shrink and the meds and say fuck it. 

I am looking to move somewhere else, but haven't decided yet where, but it will not be in this state.  I am heavily disenchanted with Indiana and why the state doesn't want to look. 

Why can't I assert myself, maybe aggressively, and have that heard and respected?  Court tomorrow could be a real trip.  I put a few mins on my cell till the first and then we can do unlimited again.  OMG, fuckers who don't need to call my cell, well, they keep calling it, so I am bitchily telling people that is my private business phone and to not use it anymore.  Shit. I just got another call from them...the bank gives a shit less and I can't get my money back, almost two hundred dollars.

I have court tomorrow with Justine and wonder if she has charges or not.  I guess I am having a new gameplan.  Just bitched off someone in juvenile court and told my insurance man what is happening.  I think I am going to have them call him or I cannot proceed.

More later, Lily has Cheerleading

Not only has some company jacked my checking and the bank is being shitty with me on one level, but I am throwing my weight and shit right back.  YOU OWE ME FUCKERS!  As in the system, me as a person, as a consumer...I am owed in some way. 

Then the school calls yesterday while I am deep in phone issues with bank.  Justine was arrested at school.  I was rude on the phone but did appologize about it due to bank issues. 

Therapy was hard, but we see that T went into some "automatic" place and asked questions the way she would with a child, but we didn't see the difference till later.  She just didn't push as hard and asked simple questions and parts answered, and answered with a lot of info.  If T had kept on it would have been easy for several parts to come front and talk with her.  I quess we need to tell her that. 

We were crying from session after we got home, then upset from the bank stuff and then Justine and her shit just set us off.  Court is tomorrow.  Not sure if she has charges for jacking up at school or not, but they will decide if she still needs to be incarcerated from the charges...otherwise...I have told them she cannot come here.

No clue what will happen tomorrow.

I hate me, my health, my issues, my life, being overweight and needing to lose lbs quickly to better the health of the body.  I need twenty lbs off NOW.  Got some natural colon cleanse pills and a jump rope. 

Hands and feet are swelling up and blood pressure is not all the way down.  Went to the doc.  Weigh sixty lbs too much, and am starting to look it.  Most of it is in the stomache actually.  Doc wants us to do aerobic exercise of any kind and work up to it.

Our muscles have atrophied.  Yeah, they have, they have died.  We are nothing (NOTHING) like we used to be.  Wondering if we can get away with only a liquid diet for two weeks with minimal food intake.  That might help us drop the stomach if we stomach cruch fifty or more each day.  I have a load of caffine free herbal teas to use. 

We are on a no sodium diet per the doc cause of the swelling, which isn't all that swelled, we just don't like it.  We are also uncomfortable in bed...the stomach is getting in the way...

I hate this, hate the atrophied muscles...can I ever get them and the look/strength back?

I have lost fifty lbs twice, once it was from going back to barn work, and their is a stable close by that might let me work a couple days a week, basically for free or maybe some riding time. 

I want to cry and I am very upset/sad that my old classmates all have lives and loves and I don't.  My life sucks, they are happy and I am not.  I harbour a secret, which back in the day we loved that shit, but now we know it isn't a good thing to have that secret, the parts and what all that entails. 

We are sad Justine is going to be grown and gone.  She and I are at an impasse.  She does as I say and require whatever that may be during the week and Friday-Sunday she can hang in town with whomever as long as she takes her meds with and stays out of trouble.  I do not give her permission to be with specific people though and if the cops ask, she is busted. 

I am sooooooo broke.  I need to organize what needs spent when my fine aid comes in later in September.  House/car/us and save a lot of it. 

I am sad Lily is growning up around me and I don't get to know her.  One question for T is time with Lily at home vs how much she spends with friends nearby...which created issues for Justine we think, too much running around and not enough time at home. 

I need to find a way to make another six hundred a month without compromising my benefits and time.  I have no clue where to find a cash job.  Once you start working the benefits get cut. 

My checking got messed up by someone online using my debit card and taking money out...not sure when I will get the money back but the bank is on top of it and I signed papers today and my debit card got cut up and will get a new one in the mail soon. 

Justine is still working on the house with me and she is pretty skippy.  We are trying to salvage a relationship and I am worried Lily will be ruined to.  I was reading about Brittania Cassiday online and I knew her mother slightly from Lapel High School, as her mom was the librarian.  The girl has had a charmed life and my kids and I have had shit.  She had horses and gets to work with them still, she is confident and mature and my kids are not and I was not till lately.  It stinks to see how cheated I was out of childhood, life and that I have cheated my children by not knowing the difference and marrying two shitty men. 

Nikki is calling soon and will try to get her to pay me now for my painting and chat her up on some diety suggestions because she is diabetic. 

I am going to buy a small treadmill later to exercise in the house and dumb bells.  I keep seeing Holly Hunter and other positive images in my head so I can stay motivated. 

I am tired too.

http://picasaweb.google.com/Serilda06/MacroFun20090725_007#
http://picasaweb.google.com/Serilda06/MontouxPark20090718_006#
http://picasaweb.google.com/Serilda06/NewerArt20090801_008#

The above is my latests at Picasa Photos.  Enjoy.

I have been on Facebook a lot cause people I used to know are on there, lol.  Someone's brother is flirty with me, and that is fun. 

Justine and I are at an impasse.  Deaconess Crosspoint jacked my ass and I am not happy, but whatever.  I think Justine is not careful enough and will be pregnant soon.  Her head is not on strait about jobs, leaving home, making a life, college...some of the ideas I do believe she is getting from her shit friends.  I didn't know this one girl is like nineteen and still living at home, going to one of "those" churches, you know the ones where they make women wear the freaky clothes and cover up and are conrolled. 

I really need to get on here and catch up.  I gotta go into town, take laptop to best buy then do perscriptions then therapy, then chiropractor and Lily cheerleading around stopping at home and cleaning some stuff.

back later...

I feel melancholy, alone, lonely, want something, and have no clue what it is or how to get it other than to say I want my childhood back, to go outside and play and be a kid, and there is no one to be my friend, to play with me. 

Maybe this is just a little who is misplaced, so what do I do.

My life is shitty and no fun.  Is it because I have run out of money...I want to do stuff, something, but then I also want to sit and do nothing and be lost in my head.  

I am upset about my weight and age as well.  I need to stop eating junk food, get outside more and exercise.

I have done nothing this summer, Justine has fucked my head up, Lily is growing up around me, I suck, I want my childhood, the fun things I used to do.  I am depressed. 

I am going to do some laundry, organize some clothes and read or write or paint...

I guess for me it would be Chinese

Got treated like shit today.  I want the woman to do a guradianship on Justine, this is fucking ridiculous the crap she is pulling.  She thinks she can live there while I provied the transpo, money and support and it isn't going to happen that way, not now, not after I see how she is doing me. 

This has to be over and I will have to deal with how I feel.  I have to remember in my weak moments what she does to us and how we feel, especially when it happenes in public. 

Justine called at eleven wanting to know when I could pick her up because she thought she had strep.  OMG like her throat is ookie.  Similar to the shit I had nine years ago.  Anyway, I left and forgot all my meds but said half an hour, cause it takes a while to drive into town and then we could go to the mec and get her seen.  Well she told me the bitch she is wanting for her new mom is upstairs sleeping and was going to take her to the doc later...she can't because I have the insurance on her, and two---why the hell is she sleeping her fat ass away when a child needs to go to the doc???  That is ever so the fucking mother eh?  I reamed Justine about this woman and she has yet to call me about an arrangement.  I told Justine that next Wednesday the deal is off.  It takes a while to run a guardianship through court.

I feel like I am living with my ex, feeling miserable, feeling like my life is wasting by when I could be having fun....I need a fun vacay, I need to cry, I need to move the hell away from here. 

Well, the woman Justine wants to live with didn't call me at five for some reason.  Justine called at ten thirty, which she knows is way too late, and asked how early the woman could call tomorrow.  I said tenish.  I did thank Justine for calling and asking about my morning time, and also reminded her that calls after eight might not get picked up, especially when school starts. 

I asked her about the no call and she blew me off.  I asked her how much she really wanted to live there and do this and did she want this other lady for a mom completely as a responsible party financially and legally.  She does for the most part.  I told her the woman and I need to then talk about a guardship/attorneys/court then because that is how it works.  I would then only be a friend/helper/advocate...

That hurt. 

I would still be here for her in some ways and told her that and that we all need to talk this out and see where this lady wants to go with this. 

Justine is moving in with a woman who has some sons, she knows the one guy.  The woman is calling me tomorrow at five pm to figure out details of benefits, health care school, money etc...  I probly should talk to an attorney about some of the details.  I made a list of my concerns.  Justine will probly get a job of some kind.  Kids under sixteen can't work too many places or very many hours and even sixteen year olds have restrictions during the school year. 

Justine is on her own for the most part.  She can't live here anymore.  I am afraid of my legal responsibilities if she gets in trouble and hesitate to legally sign over guardianship. 

She is out of control and just leaving the property and hanging in town floating around.  My health can't take this anymore and I have another daughter to take care of.  Maybe I can do this one right.  Justine now needs to learn to be responsible with herself.  I have no clue how this will all work out.

I took her to see Cindy today and I see her tomorrow.  She got to see the shrink and is supposed to see the southwestern therapist tomorrow, but I need to cancel that.  I don't know how she will keep all this strait or if this other woman will help her or not.  Justine seems really excited to get the hell out of here. 

I am somewhat sad and teary, but am not sure why, like if it is reality based or insecurity based or what and I do not want to deal with this in therapy.  I am feeling raw from her coming home yesterday and her violence and me not getting any sleep all night at all.  I slept for an hour and a half this afternoon.  I will crash soon.  I haven't pulled an all nighter in ages. 

I just can't live with Justine anymore, but she does know she can call and visit here or elsewhere if she calls first.  I don't trust her guy friends to not rob me blind if she came here out of the blue and we weren't home.  I am not cutting her off completely, but it is either Juvie or find somewhere to live.  It is a shame my friend can't take her.  I don't think she wants to deal with it. 

I don't know what else to say, I feel bad for not being able to deal with her but I cannot live like this and it hurts.  All the women in my maternal line ditched their kids, dumped them with someone else.  I told Justine that we will give this a go month to month and she can leave if she feels threatened, gets ripped off, or is unsafe.  My friend lives right around the corner, so that is good.  I told her I will try and help her stay independant financially and will help her get a checking account and other things as they come up.  Justine has no clue about this, but maybe she does and is ready in ways I don't see. 

How can I get in a good relationship when I am a snippy bitch with everyone.  I can be sort of negative-ish or bitchy or mean...why am I like this?  Is it just the people I have to deal with day in and day out or what? 

http://picasaweb.google.com/Serilda06/MontouxPark20090718_006?authkey=Gv1sRgCIqTq8PK8fGqvAE#

More Pics